Boosh's Got Talent
by SisiDraig
Summary: Noir goes for an audition. Will he get through to the next stage? You decide! Yep, that's right! Something I wrote because I was bored during Match of the Day! - i guess it's kinda crackfic-ish! I dunno really! wow, what a summary! - i think not!
1. Audition

**I keep promising myself I'm gonna stop writing stuff and then I get drawn back in - I swear this sites sooooooo adictive!!! Anyway, this idea came to me when I fas FUMING over the fact Susan Boyle one this evenings semi-final when Diversity were cleary the best!**

**D/C: I don't own Boosh and I don't Own BGT :P**

* * *

The blood pounded in his veins. His heart beat a litany of explosions in his chest. He'd never been this nervous. His hands were clammy. He was vaguely aware of Howard muttering soothing nothings to him. But they weren't soothing. They were just more noise, more things to melt into the background, more things to make him nervous. It didn't help that the produces had decided to do a piece on him.

"Vince Noir has had a hard life," The voice of Ant, or was it Dec, commentated on his nervous leg jiggling and nail biting anxiousness. "Growing up in the jungles of India, he's certainly had a rock and roll background being brought up by Bryan Ferry or Roxy Music but will experience be enough to take him through today."

Vince grimaced as the producers asked for photo's of his family and friends. Producers started to interview him.

"_I've always felt I'm a rockstar. I was born rocking this look."_

He couldn't think.

"_I work in a shop in Dalston but I always felt like I might be the chosen one."_

He answered like a distant dream.

"_I used to be in an amateur band but I had to give it up… mood swings of other members."_

His experience foggy and strange.

"_I've tried a variety of music and styles; punk, mod, glam folk but electro is where I belong."_

Apparently, he was giving witty, funny answers, charming Britain with his daring confidence but in his skull his brain cell was reminding him of something hideously true;

'They only interview you if you're brilliant… ooooor, a laughing stock.'

Vince cringed. This was horrible. He felt sick. His stomach churning as his number was called. Howard grabbed his sleeve and pulled him to his feet.

"Come on little man." he said, "This is your opportunity."

He was pale. He was shaking. He thought he was going to vomit. He could see the microphone stood along on the stage, calling to him, taunting him. He could see the 'X' where he had to stand. He watched the ventriloquist act on before him get the final 'X' as Amanda buzzed. Vince shuddered. That could so easily be him in a moment or two. He listened as Simon ripped the man apart with words like 'useless' 'talent-less' and 'rather watch a frozen chicken cooking'.

Then there was the final decision.  
"No."  
"No."  
"No."  
And the man ran off the stage with tears in his eyes.

A small woman, with a clipboard and her hair tied back tapped Vince on the shoulder.

"Okay number 9123. It's your turn."

Vince nodded nervously. He looked at Howard who smiled warmly at him and put his thumbs up. Vince nodded, more confidently this time.

He turned towards the stage, took a deep breath and boosted his hair with his fingers and then strode onto the stage with an unfathomable about of confidence.

"I've never seen such a change in someone." Ant whispered to Howard.

Howard just nodded. It took even him as a surprise, when Vince got to the stage grinned and said;

"Alright."

Vince had been _so _nervous but he belonged on the stage. Now it was Howard's turn to be nervous. He wanted this so much for his friend. He'd never have done it himself. Even the man of action, multi-instrumentalist couldn't imagine performing in front of the Queen. He couldn't risk the Spirit of Jazz turning up and ruining everything. What if he strapped a bassoon to his head? He shuddered at the thought as he heard Simon say;

"So, what's your name?"

"Vince Noir - rock and roll star."

"Well, we'll be the judges of that." smirked Simon.

"So you're going to be singing are you Vince?" Amanda asked.

"Yes."

"What song?"

"Ummm, it's a song my friend Howard wrote."

A camera was shoved under Howard's nose immediately and the older man flapped it away, though he couldn't help think that that must have been a great shot of his moustache.

"Okaaaay," Amanda tried to smile, though it was obvious she was sceptical, "take it away Vince."

"Right. Thanks."

He looked to the side of the stage, thumbs up and the song started.

Electro beats bled through the speakers and Vince struck his first pose. He drew his hand slowly down his face and then across his eyes and sang;

_Driving along on the plastic dream  
Heart beats fast like a tiny machine  
I am electro boy  
I am electro girl_

_Skating along on the Perspex scene  
Crystal moccasins, bionic cheese  
I am electro boy  
I am electro girl _

Vince had never pulled shapes like it. He looked incredible anyway, he'd spent all week getting his outfit ready and it had paid off. This was the best set of his life but was it enough to impress the judges, to impress the infamous Simon Cowell. Howard felt the nerves explode in his chest. Vince looked out to the audience, panting heavily.

This was the moment of truth. What was the verdict?

* * *

**So, do they like him/ or hate him?? - You decide! Haha.**

**Seriously, I'm gonna let you guys 'vote' as it were. (lol) So however you 'vote' that's what happens. It like choose your own ending! Haha.**

**Couldn't help myself. No promises of quick updates, this was written whilst watching MOTD! The Villa game's finished and I'm bored. **


	2. Judging

**The response to this was amazing so thank you all so much. I'm going to try and get the final of this to coincide with the final on Saturday - so here's the next chapter!**

* * *

Vince looked up. The 'X's were still white. Well that was a good thing at least. The noise in the hall was deafening but that was exactly the problem; he couldn't make out if they were booing or cheering. He tried to pick the crowd out of the darkness (he knew Leroy was there and Naboo and Bollo, in a disguise) but they just remained a noise in the black. Besides, his eyes kept being drawn to the three people sat behind a desk. Three people with the ability to make him or break him in one fell swoop. He let out a long shuddering breath, looked to Piers Morgan and waited for the verdict.

"Vince." Piers began steadily, his expression completely unreadable "When you said you were going to be singing a song your friend wrote, I was worried for you. Traditionally, original songs go down very badly on this show." Vince could hear the audience now, they were booing so loudly Piers couldn't make himself heard. But Vince couldn't work out if the were booing him, or the judge's comments. "BUT!" Piers bellowed over the noise, holding a hand up to quieten them. "Buu-uut, I thought that… was brilliant!"

The crowd erupted with cheers. Vince thought his ears would explode and he beamed into the blackness. They'd liked him and so had Piers.

"I particularly like that move you do." Piers continued over the wall of excited cheering, as he brought his hand down his face and then across his eyes. "I think that will be done by every child in every playground in Britain tomorrow morning."

Vince nodded. He could feel his chest swell with pride, happy tears pushing against the back of his eyes. He'd never been this lucky when it came to music; never. Something always went wrong. Then he shook himself back to reality. It wasn't over yet. There were still two more judges and the dreaded voting. He swallowed thickly and croaked;"Thanks Piers" into the microphone before turning to Amanda, who was fanning herself with some cards.

"Vince Noir." she said, "You were _incredibly _sexy on that stage!"

Vince flashed her his trademark grin.

"And that smile," she continued pointing at him with a long manicured finger tip, "Is gorgeous."

Vince grinned again, wider this time.

"Oh stop it. You're making me weak at the knees." she giggled.

A small chuckle reverberated around the room and Vince laughed too. He was enjoying himself now. This couldn't be going better.

"I loved it." Amanda continued, finally composing herself enough to say something constructive. "I thought you commanded the stage well, you sang well, the song was catchy and you had the whole audience up and dancing along with you."

The audience cheered their agreement.

"It was brilliant." she beamed.

"Thanks Amanda." he smiled and then everyone looked to Simon, who was sat in his chair with a look of strangled disbelief and mild annoyance on his face.

Everyone held their breath. The whole world knew that whilst it was nice to get good comments from all the judges, Simon Cowell was the only one anyone _really _cared about. From the wings Howard was having a sort of mental breakdown. He was so nervous for his friend that he could hardly breath and Ant and Dec were virtually holding him up but Vince was still retaining an air of indifference and was above all acting very, very cool.

"Right." said Simon self-importantly (thought when does he say anything that doesn't make him seem self-important).

"Vince, I thought you were great."

Vince would be pleased but his tone was weird, like there was a big **but **about to come along at any second and ruin everything.

"Your look is good."

_Well, obviously. _

"Your attitude is good and you've got quite a nice singing voice."

_Here comes the 'but'._

"But,"

_Told you._

"That song was a musical nightmare."

_WHAT!?_

Vince's whole body language shrunk. How dare he? How _dare _he insult Howard's song?

"Did you say your friend wrote it?" Simon continued maliciously

Vince nodded. He was too angry to speak.

"Then you need to find yourself some better friends."

Vince looked to the wings. He spotted Howard. His friend looked hurt and almost guilty, as though he somehow deserved to hear such cruel things. Vince was not going to stand for that. No one made Howard feel like that, except maybe him but that was usually by accident.

"Everyone else seemed to like it." Vince answered suddenly and the audience roared. Excellent. They were on his side, not Cowell's.

"Yes we did." Amanda backed him up further. "Is your friend here with you today?"

"Yeah, he's just there." Vince pointed to where Howard was stood.

"Let's see if we can get him out here. What was his name?"

"Howard."

"Right."

And then, something magical happened. Everyone started to chant Howard's name, well, almost everyone. Simon still looked thoroughly angered by this whole charade.

"Come on Howard." grinned Vince, "you can't keep your public waiting."

This was true. Howard Moon could not leave his adoring public waiting _too_ long but he was nervous. He was always mocked when he was on stage. Audiences always turned on him when they saw his shifty eyes and smoke-thin hair. He was just contemplating running away when he felt four hands plant firmly in his back and he was shoved unceremoniously on to the stage by two Geordie lads. Howard stumbled out from behind the curtain and the theatre exploded with noise. The cheers were deafening and Howard gave a nervous wave before scurrying to stand next to Vince.

Simon just sat shaking his head angrily.

"Okay, this is getting ridiculous." he said "They liked you Vince. And you." he turned to Howard, "should have stayed away from this whole performance. Nobody like the song."

Howard's shoulders visibly drooped but he nodded in agreement.

"Howard's a great song writer." Vince bit back angrily. "He's a multi-instrumentalist."

"He's a mentalist." retorted Simon.

"You shut up about him!"

"Vince." Howard said softly, "It's okay. It's fine."

"Listen to your friend Vince." Simon said smugly. "Okay, lets do the votes. Amanda?"

Vince suddenly grabbed Howard's sleeve anxiously. This was it, the moment of truth. This was what a whole life time of practicing had been leading up to.

"100% yes!" she beamed "I love you. Both of you."

"Piers?"

Vince and Howard looked at Piers as he struck the electro-boy pose again and said; "It's a yes from me, Vince."

Two yes's. _Two yes's._ He was through. Vince was through! But there was still Simon's vote and despite himself, Vince still desperately craved the third 'yes'.

"Right Vince." Simon said. "I'm going to say 'yes' to you but 'no' to the song. A song we all know in the semi-final please Vince."

The electro-poof was about to say something but Howard hissed;

"You're through, shut up."

So the younger man opted to nod mutedly.

"Right. Three yes's." Simon smiled, "Vince Noir, you are _sailing_ through to the next round."

Suddenly, Howard felt the grip on his sleeve release and Vince was leaping around like a frog on acid, whooping and cheering like a madman. The audience laughed happily for him and Amanda almost shed a tear.

Later, after Ant and Dec had finished talking to him and Vince and Howard were driving home, Vince said quietly;

"I wanna play one of your songs in the semi-final Howard."

"I don't think you should." The older man said nervously. "You don't want to annoy Simon."

"I don't care about Simon. I like singing your songs. I want everyone in Britain to hear me singing your songs."

"Look I don't think it's a good idea. It could jeopardize your chance of winning."

"But I-"

"Look" Howard cut him off. "we'll discuss this later. Okay? For now, let's celebrate. You're through."

Vince grinned and put Queen's - 'We Are The Champions' on as loud as it would go singing along in style. But in the back of his mind, he couldn't stop worrying about the next round.

He wanted to sing another one of Howard's songs but would it cost him the chance to go on to the final?

* * *

**So? What song does Vince choose to sing in the semi-final?? You decide! =]**

**I tried to take a bit of all your ideas and put it in this chapter so I hope you all liked it!**


	3. SemiFinal

**Okay… so again, this is little bits of most of your ideas.**

* * *

Vince heard his name called.

"And last on this evening… it's Vince Noir."

He heard the audience scream with excitement. Turned out most of Britain had liked his audition too, though most were calling Howard his boyfriend, which had riled the 'man-of-action' no end. Vince, surprisingly, wasn't _that _bothered. Howard had ended up being just as popular as him after that first audition and that was where the idea for this evening's performance had come from. But none of that mattered now. All that mattered was the stage and his performance. The song had already started; it was filling the studio and the audience were already on there feet clapping along. The doors opened slowly and as he rose from the floor, he struck a pose; hands wide above head, feet planted shoulder width apart. Howard had told him, this pose looked like the pose of a three year old trying to be a star. To which Vince had responded "I am a star" and proceeded to practice his routine around the Naboo-made stage in the flat.

Vince stepped out onto the stage. High above him (well on the screen just above his head) he heard the moon (the actual moon! Naboo had managed to persuade him to help out by promising confectionary) say;

"Umm, er, Gentlemen and Gentlewomen, please welcome to the stage to sing his song. Vince Noir. I have a song it's called 'Mil-" But Naboo was ready and cut the moon off mid-word. Maybe he should have listened to the old adage; never work with kids or the moon (animals, in his experience had always done more that a satisfactory job).

Vince brought the microphone to his lips and sang;

"_Do you love me?  
__Are you playin' your love games with me?_"

A loud buzz cutting through the air, told him that Simon Cowell wasn't impressed. Vince stuttered the next line completely. That noise had put him totally off his stride but he soon clawed it back and pointed down the camera, asking the people of Britain;

"_Do you love me?  
Are you playin' your love games with me?  
I just want to know what to do, cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now._"

Then there was an explosion from the side of the stage; fireworks went off and glitter and smoke covered the small area. The moon's face appeared on the screen again and he said;

"It's Harold… what did you say Naboo? Oh, sorry Howard Moon. No wait. He's not the moon. I'm the moon. There's only one moon. Me. I'm the moon. Naboo, where's my giant KitKat?"

Vince wanted to punch Naboo for ever suggesting the moon would be a good idea but he didn't have chance to dwell on this idea. He looked up to see Howard emerge from the smoke looking better than he ever had. That backstage make-over had done him a lot good. And he sang;

"_Movin' too fast, this isn't a race,  
ooo baby back off, and lower the pace  
slow__ it down, give me with space,  
Movin' too fast, this isn't a race._

Then it was time for the instrumental. They couldn't help themselves. They had to do the mod-wolf dance, partly coz they sometimes saw it as _their_ dance and partly because it was the only dance Howard knew, or could do.

"_Do you love me?  
Are you playin' those love games with me?  
I just want to know what to do, cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now_"

"_Movin' too fast, this isn't a race  
ooo baby back off, and lower the pace  
slow it down, give me with space,  
Movin' too fast, this isn't a race._"

Then they walked to the front of the stage speaking directly to the main camera;

"_Pick up the phone  
We want your vote  
Come on, don't make us beg now.  
Cause I'm not your regular guy!  
Don't be shy!  
Do you love me?_"

The music went dead. The only sound was the far off cheers of a studio audience and heavy panting, which Vince recognised as his own. Surprisingly, it was Howard who recovered first and hiss in Vince's ear.

"Look. They're on their feet."

Vince blinked and looked out ahead of him. The audience were indeed on their feet as were Amanda and Piers. Vince pressed his hands together in front of his chest, as though praying, and bowed his head slightly to them all mouthing 'thank-you' He thought he could hear Howard shouting;

"Hi mum." as he waved to the camera and the tinkle of laughter that emitted from the crowd.

Just as he was getting used to this feeling of euphoria Ant and Dec pounced on him.

"So Vince." Dec spoke. "How did you think that went?"

"I thought that went really well." he grinned. "I managed to get the moon to say a few words and…"

"Yeah. We were just saying that's a talent in itself. Now, we're going to go to the judges. You did get one buzz from Simon so lets start with you. Simon, why did you buzz?"

"Right Vince. I sent you through on the agreement that you would sing a proper song in the semi-final. You didn't do that and I think that it's probably cost you the final."

"**BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" hissed the crowd.

"It's a shame" Simon continued, "because you're a nice guy and you _are_ talented but will people vote for you on that performance? No, I don't think they will."

The audience booed and hissed.

"Oh please." Simon scorned them, "Are you honestly telling me you'd want to listen to that again?"

"**YES!**"

"Then you're all deluded." he turned back to Vince, "I liked the set up. The pyrotechnics were good but you shouldn't have included your friends in it." he glared with distain at Howard. "Like I said. It's probably cost you."

"You're a twat." Vince spat back before he could stop himself. The crowd let out the biggest cheer of the semi-final, of any semi-final for that matter .

"Woah. Vince." Ant laughed uneasily. "We are on before watershed, we'd just like to apologize to any viewers who may have been offended by that. Umm, Piers you didn't buzz."

"No I didn't and I have to say I agree whole-heartedly with what Vince just said."The audience cheered again and Vince blushed slightly and hid his red face in Howard's shoulder.

"Umm, I loved it Vince." Piers said. "I loved you in the audition and I still love you now." Vince grinned proudly. "I think you bring something a little bit different to the competition. There're plenty of singers who just get up there, stand in the middle of the stage and sing U2 songs but you bring energy and fun and above all… **entertainment!**" The crowd roared. "I think we might be looking at the next winner of Britain's Got Talent."

"Wow thank you."

"Amanda?" Dec prompted.

"I completely agree with Piers. I love everything about you both. I love the energy you put in to performing Vince. And don't listen to Simon, he's just grumpy because you ignored his advice and it's paid off. Best performance of the night Vince. And Howard I think I've just fallen in love with you."

Vince laughed as his best friend went the colour of a tomato; even his ears blushed.

"Thank you." Vince grinned. Howard squeezed his shoulder proudly and they both looked to Ant, who was now saying;

"Some _mixed_ comments from the judges Vince. Simon said it cost you the final, Amanda said best performance of the night. Piers said the next winner of Britain's got Talent. Is there anything you want to say back to the judges?"

"Umm, yeah. I'd like to thank Amanda and Piers for their amazing comments and Simon, I am listening to what you're saying and I did think about doing a Gary Numan number tonight but and the end of the day… I've got to follow my heart when it comes to music and this isn't 'stars in your eyes'. I don't want to pretend I'm Gary Numan or even Bowie. I'm coming out here and being Vince Noir and I just hope the people at home vote for me." Then he smiled at Howard. "Vote for _us_." he clarified.

"Like Vince said, it isn't up to the judges so if you think Vince Noir deserves to be in the final, the number call is 09011 32 22 08" said Ant. "Or alternatively, you can push the '**review this story/chapter**' button at the bottom of your screen and tell us who _you _want to see in the final. But for now, please give a big hand for Vince Noir aaaand…" he looked blankly at Howard.

"Howard Moon!" grinned Vince.

"Vince Noir and Howard Moon!"

The cheers from the crowd were like an explosion around the studio and Vince was grinning like a mentalist and bouncing about, clutching Howard's sleeve as they both bounced off to the left.

"So that's it." smiled Ant.

"All the acts have performed." Dec said."Now it's over to you to get voting. The numbers and '**review this story/chapter**' button are at the bottom of your screen now. So get dialling and clicking now."

"We'll be back on Saturday with the results and the live final so tune in then."

* * *

**Better do as Ant says… (haha)**

**=]**


	4. Final

"And tonight's winner and securing a place in tomorrow's final is..."

_Vince Noir. Vince Noir. Vince Noir. Vince Noir._

"Sammy the Crab."

Vince blinked slowly. He swallowed thickly as the blinding light of victory shone on Sammy and the alcoholic crab skuttled around insulting people. Vince just knew Sammy would do well. Britain love a good break dancing crab and Sammy was good. Really flaming good. The audience, _his _audience were cheering for another man… well, crab. He felt as though he'd been shot through the heart and he was just watching as people cheered his slow and painful death.

"Cheer up little man." whispered Howard in his ear. "There's still another place."

Vince nodded but he felt as though everything was over. If he couldn't even win the public vote in a semi-final what did he have in the final.

"Okay so the runners up, in _no _particular order…"

Vince held his breath. He needed this. He felt like his life depended on this, hinged on the next word Dec uttered.

"Robert Parker."

Vince died all over again. This emotional roller-coaster was getting worse. He felt like he'd just looked over at the drop and just as he was about to go down he'd stopped. Now he was just staring down at his doom and then, through the dark, pessimistic thoughts he heard;

"Vince Noir."

He looked up as the spotlight shone straight on him. He heard Howard cheer next to him and he grinned. This was his life line. He could feel the roller coaster reversing. He was ready to climb again, to the next level but now his fate hung in the hands of the judges.

"Right. We'll go to Amanda first."

"Oh god." she sighed. "This is so, so difficult." She seemed to hide behind her own hand and squirm away in her chair. "Right. Robert. I think your act is _crazy_. There was lots of glitter and colour it was very camp. Vince, oh Vince. You know I love you. You really are Vince Noir rock and roll star but tonight I'm afraid Robert won me over. So for me it's got to be Robert."

Vince let out a shuddering sigh and he felt Howard's arm creep around his shoulders and pull him close. He relaxed a little into his friend's embrace. The man who didn't like to be touched, visibly hugging his friend in front of 13 million people.

"Okay Piers?"

"Yeah. It was a great show tonight and both of these acts were in my top two so this is a really tough choice but I have to go with the act that I think have the best chance of winning and that is Vince Noir."

"Thank you Piers." Vince said, or at least tried to say but it came out as a strange strangled croak and Howard squeezed his shoulders tighter. Vince looked at his friend. His brow was sweating and his moustache was twitching nervously but he was putting on a brave face. He was a man of action after all.

"Right, Simon… deciding vote."

And that's when it hit Vince. He didn't have a chance. Simon hated him. Simon had buzzed him. Well, that was over. He was going home. It was fun while it lasted. Oh who was he kidding? He was devastated. He could feel tears pushing at the back of his eyes and stinging his tear ducts.

"Well." Simon started, "I thought this was going to be a very easy decision this evening. And I end up having to choose between two acts I buzzed. But I have to admit, as this show has gone on, I feel as though one of me buzzes was a mistake." Vince looked up and was distraught to find Simon was looking at Robert. He felt like everything inside him collapsed. He was fairly sure if Howard hadn't been there, he'd have fallen to the floor by now; weeping and sobbing like a girl in a 50's movie.

"Robert." Simon continued. "You were…"

_Better that I said earlier? More entertaining than I gave you credit for? Brilliant?_

"appalling. And I would never put you in front of the Queen."

Vince's insides began to re-establish themselves. Did that mean…? No? But… could he…?

"Vince. I was wrong about you and your song."

Wait. TV's Mr Nasty, _wrong_?

"Amanda was right. I was annoyed that you didn't follow by advise and even more annoyed that you pulled it off so well. So the act I'm putting through tonight is most definitely Vince Noir. You did good kid."

**

* * *

**

**Saturday's Final; Britain's Got Talent a two horse race?**

.

**Bookies have claimed Britain's Got Talent to be a close fought battle between two acts; Sammy the Crab and Vince Noir, who's renamed his and friend Howard Moon's act as 'The Mighty Boosh' for the final.**

.

**Noir claims; "Me and Howard are bringing something **_**completely **_**new to the final. A whole new genre of music"**

.

**Sammy has told reporters that The Mighty Boosh are a washed-up couple of gays with no hope of winning the final**

.

**Moon claims his love for fellow Boosh boy Vince Noir is 'purely platonic'**

.

**Lilly Allen has twittered her unfailing support for The Mighty Boosh for the final of BGT**

.

**Piers Morgan says in interview; "This will be the most hotly contented final… EVER."**

.

**Amanda Holden admits; "I've slightly fallen for Vince Noir."**

.

**America's A-listers amazed by Sammy the Crabs incredible talents.**

.

**Early polls show 43% of votes to Vince Noir and 42% to Sammy the Crab. Will these results be reflected in tonight's programme?**

.

**Sammy the Crab - most incredible act to ever be on TV**

.

**Vince Noir: Is he the best performer… ever?**

.

**Britain's Got Talent Final TONIGHT**

* * *

"_oooh oooh ooh i did a twisty  
oooh ooh oooh a tiny twisty_

_Crimpity crimpity now now  
Crimpity crimpity ask me how  
Crimpity crimpity out my way  
Crimpity crimpity you will pay_

_bing bong bing bing bong_

Crimpity crimpity fugde you"

Vince and Howard looked out to the audience. They were on their feet as were the judges all three of them. Simon clapping louder than the rest. Vince and Howard grinned.

Simon spoke first.

"Good performance you two." he said. "You promised us a new genre of music and that was like nothing I have ever seen before. What do you call that?"

"Crimping." Vince answered proudly.

"Crimping. Well, it was crazy and made no sense and at the same time was captivating. And I really like the new name guys, The Mighty Boosh. Yeah. Good."

Then Amanda;

"Oh, Vince Noir. That smile. It get's to me every time. I love you."

"I love you too Amanda."

"Oooh." she giggled flirtatiously. "Umm, yeah. It was brilliant as always."

And Piers;

"Vince, Howard. The Mighty Boosh. I've been one of your biggest fans since the beginning. I saw the potential right from the start and I really think I'm looking at the act that's going to be at the royal variety show in November."

Vince squealed, making a noise which really shouldn't be made by a grown man as he flung his arms around Howard's neck, who hugged him back just as hard.

Then they just waited, holed up in their dressing room, pacing, running to the toilet and retching until they were being pushed back out onto the stage. They were all stood in a spot light each, all the finalists were shaking nervously. Vince clutched Howard's hand tight. He'd never felt like this in his life. He could almost hear the words 'The winner of Britain's Got Talent is The Mighty Boosh' but at the same time, he could here 'Sammy the Crab'. He squeezed Howard's hand and the older man grimaced in pain. Ant and Dec were wasting time now by asking Piers about how good the final was. Simon said there were two stand out acts. Amanda moaned about how it was all over but Vince wasn't listening. He was just focusing on trying not to throw up as he willed away the seconds. Ant called out the first act who wasn't the winner. Phew! Not him. And the second. Not him either. The third. Forth. Until it was just himself and Howard stood one side of Ant and Dec and Sammy the Crab on the other.

The music dropped to what they like to call 'atmospheric' but it was basically a loud heartbeat pounding in his ears, though Vince though perhaps this was a good thing as his heart was beating so fast he thought it would explode. He felt sick with nerves and then the lights went low and Vince went numb. He couldn't see or feel anything now, except Howard's fingers wrapped tightly around his own and then Ant started to speak;

"And the winner... of Britain's got talent and performing at the Royal Variety Show, in front of the Queen... as chosen by the public... is..."

The music dropped. Vince's heart beat even faster. Howard's grip tightened like a python. Vince took a deep breath, his eyes trained on his gold boots. He could hear the crowd shouted. Some calling his name, some calling Sammy's. He shuffled closer to his friend. Ant asked for quiet and the noise died aways. Now it was just the pounded of his own heart in his ears.

The winner was announced.


	5. Aftermath

Vince looked at the ceiling. His life had felt like a dream for so long this just sort of finished his dream off. No it hadn't ended up perfectly but the personal invite had boosted his and Howard's egos no end. The concert had gone perfectly and Howard had been in his element when he'd met the queen. A true man of action. Vince flipped onto his side and looked across the small hotel room at his friend, who was on his own bed staring at the ceiling.

"Howard."

"Mmm?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about how close we came to winning."

"But aren't you kind of glad we didn't?"

"I suppose."

"I mean, Sammy the Crab is in rehab now and we're about to start our world tour Howard." Vince grinned, bouncing up onto his knees.

"It's a tour of _Britain_ Vince."

"But that's four countries."

"I suppose." smiled Howard, finally looking at his friend.

"I'm really glad we did it together Howard." Vince said sheepishly, suddenly hiding behind his fringe.

"Me too little man."

"And we brought crimping to the people."

"Yes we did." Howard smiled, tapping the bed next to him. Vince, surprised and delighted, jumped up and led next to Howard on the duvet. These cuddles were becoming more and more frequent. They'd finally returned to how things used to be. Britain's got talent had taken them a whole other lifetime of emotion and now they were closer than ever.

* * *

**The Mighty Boosh robbed in BGT final.**

**The Mighty Boosh Receive Personal Invite to Attend Royal Variety Performance**

**The Horrors claim Boosh lose as British Outrage.**

**Crimping Sweeps the Nation - Kids in School Yard Creating Crimps**

**Inter-Scholastic Crimp-Off**

**Inter-Galactic Crimp-Off - Moon Claims he has a better crimp that anyone**

**Sammy the Crab Loses Record Deal Over Alleged Attempt at Inter-Species Relations After Trying it On With an Underage Conga Eel.**

**Sammy The Crab, Alcoholic?**

**Sammy The Crab, Drug Addict?**

"**Sammy the Crab is Totally Past it" says Simon Cowell. "Crimping Is The New Big Thing."**

**The Mighty Boosh Add MORE Dates To Sell Out Tour**

**U2 To Support The Mighty Boosh At The O2 Arena**

**Bono Says He Looks To Vince And Howard For Inspiration**

**Speculation Grows as The Mighty Boosh Share Hotel Room whilst on Tour.**

**Howard Moon Claims; "Vince and I shared a room through necessity of finances. Our relationship is 100% platonic."**

**Vince Noir: Howard and I have a complex relationship! It is 64% platonic.**

**Noir admits on Breakfast News He and Howard Lock Themselves Away In Their Hotel Every Night And Crimp Until The Small Hours of The Morning.**

**

* * *

**

Who doesn't like to end a fic with a little bit of cheeky innuendo! :D


End file.
